Saturday, 2 June 2012

21 Topics That Will Put You on the DHS Naughty List

If you’re trying to stay off the HOMELAND SECURITY watch list, there are a few topics that you should stay away from in your internet conversations with others.  Sure there’s a list of 377 words on the “naughty list” but who can remember 377 words?  For your personal safety, I’ve compiled a list of 21 topics to avoid.  Careful adherence to the following reminders should keep you safe, until such a time that the naughty list is expanded to contain the equally offensive words “a”, “and” and “the”.

1.)  Never talk about the weather.
EXTREME WEATHER is a subject to avoid.  If you are discussing HURRICANES, TORNADOES, TYPHOONS, TWISTERS, BLIZZARDS, SNOW, ICE, SLEET or other STORMS, even LIGHTNING, you may get tagged as an EXTREMIST.  If one of these DISASTERS should result in a FLOOD, MUDSLIDE or other EROSION, AVALANCHE, FOREST FIRE, BRUSH FIRE or WILDFIRE, be sure to also keep that information out of your correspondence. (You can still talk about rain, at this point.)

2.)  Federal AGENTS don’t like it when you talk about them.
Apparently our pals at the alphabet soup agencies haven’t heard the old saying, “Eavesdroppers rarely hear good things about themselves.”  Then again, maybe they have heard that and they’re mad.  Either way, don’t talk about the FBI, CIA, DEA, ATF, the SECRET SERVICE, IMMIGRATION CUSTOMS ENFORCEMENT, the COAST GUARD, the BORDER PATROL, the DHS or the CUSTOMS AND BORDER PROTECTION AGENCY.  If you tick them off by talking about them you may find yourself promptly rounded up by the NATIONAL GUARD and interned in a FEMA camp.

3.) Local COPS are equally sensitive.
LAW ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES really don’t have much of a sense of humor.  If you don’t want to have a STANDOFF with the SWAT team, refrain from discussing the POLICE or other FIRST RESPONDERS via the internet. You can virtually guarantee that there will be SHOTS FIRED during such an EMERGENCY RESPONSE.

4.) DISASTER MANAGEMENT is not good topic for conversation.
If an event is severe enough to warrant EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT services, you should refrain from discussing it.  For example, an EARTHQUAKE and its resultant TREMORS and TEMBLORS, could cause warnings to be issued by the TSUNAMI WARNING CENTER, depending on the MAGNITUDE. If the TSUNAMI reaches its CREST on land, the STATE OF EMERGENCY that occurs will require assistance from the RED CROSS and a DISASTER MEDICAL ASSISTANCE TEAM.  DISASTER ASSISTANCE is a serious matter and not to be discussed by the peons. 

5.)  Don’t talk about your road trip through the SOUTHWEST US and MEXICO on SOCIAL MEDIA.
Facebook is no place to document your vacation particularly if you plan to cross the BORDER into MEXICO.  SOUTHWESTERN cities on the major INTERSTATES, such as FORT HANCOCK, EL PASO, YUMA and TUSCON, are on the naughty list as are places in Mexico like JUAREZ, TIJUANA, SINALOA, TORREON, TAMAULIPAS, NUEVO LEON, REYNOSA, SONORA, NOGALES, MATAMOROS, and CIUDAD JUAREZ.  When crossing the border, you may be delayed by the procedures outlined in the SECURE BORDER INITIATIVE, but keep it to yourself. 

You could also fall under suspicion if you mention seeing the MEXICAN ARMY or, heaven forbid, the Mexican version of ORGANIZED CRIME, the DRUG CARTELS like LA FAMILIA MICHOACANA, CARTEL DE GOLFO, THE GULF CARTEL, the BELTRAN-LEYVA cartel, or the ARELLANO-FELIX cartel. Joachim GUZMAN’s name is also on the naughty list.

If you don’t end up DECAPITATED or EXECUTED by the ARTISTIC ASSASSINS during your trip, refrain from gloating about your good fortune on Twitter. And if you see NARCO BANNERS written to Felipe CALDERON, do not take pictures and post them! Your south of the border journey is rife with threatening words, including the names of GANGS like MARA SALVATRUCA (MS13), BARRIO AZTECA, clan MEXICLES, LOS ZETAS, and the NEW FEDERATION.  You may be KIDNAPPED by one of these groups; hopefully the US CONSULATE can help you.

Finally, don’t say anything about SMUGGLING ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS across the border lest you fall awry of the US CITIZENSHIP AND IMMIGRATION SERVICES.

6.)  Speaking of DRUGS if you do them, don’t talk about it online.
Entire TASK FORCES are devoted to the DRUG WAR.  You can darn well bet that discussing METHAMPHETAMINES, MARIJUANA, COCAINE, HEROIN, or other NARCOTICS will jam you up with those fighting the DRUG TRADE and will also bring you to the attention of HOMELAND SECURITY.  TRAFFICKING is not only illegal to do, it’s suspicious to discuss as well.  If you’re the do-it-yourself type, do not discuss your METH LAB.  That is a good way to get BUSTED, and you don’t want to end up in a SHOOTOUT with the DEA.

7.)  If you see a guy in a HAZMAT suit, this is another topic to keep to yourself.
If you have concerns about a HAZARDOUS MATERIALS EVENT, do not announce this. He could be investigating a SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE that contains WHITE POWDER or other SUBSTANCE.  That powder could be a CHEMICAL AGENT like RICIN, ANTHRAX or a BLISTER AGENT. Other threats include EXPOSURE to a NERVE AGENT like SARIN GAS, or other scary BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS. You should plan to SHELTER-IN-PLACE and wait for HELP unless you are asked to EVACUATE.

8.) The CDC and the WHO are also publicity-shy.
Any concerns you may have regarding a BIOLOGICAL DISASTER like an EPIDEMIC have no place on the internet.  Do not discuss an OUTBREAK of a VIRUS like, EBOLA, H5N1, H1NI, SWINE flu, INFLUENZA, the AVIAN FLU, VIRAL HEMORRHAGIC FEVER, THE NORVO VIRUS, FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE or SMALL POX.  In these events of PUBLIC HEALTH crises, transmission of the illnesses may be HUMAN TO HUMAN or ANIMAL TO HUMAN, as well as WATER
BORN or AIR BORN in their transmission. (Remember when PORK was all but banned?)  There might not be enough ANTIVIRALS or drugs like TAMIFLU to go around.  BACTERIAL INFECTIONS not to discuss include TUBERCULOSIS, E. COLI AND PLAGUE. VACCINES may be given in the event of a PANDEMIC, but after the first WAVE of SICKNESS, the STRAINS may MUTATE and be RESISTANT to treatment, in which case QUARANTINE may become necessary.

9.)  Food RECALLS are not chatting matters.
OUTBREAKS of FOOD POISONING like SALMONELLA and LISTERIA can cause very unpleasant SYMPTOMS, but rest assured as soon as the source of the CONTAMINATION is discovered, the FDA will step in and take care of the THREAT.

10.)  As a matter of DOMESTIC SECURITY, don’t talk about countries we don’t like. 
Avoid mentioning NORTH KOREA, IRAQ, AFGHANISTAN, IRAN, PAKISTAN, YEMEN, SOMALIA, NIGERIA, CHINA and COLUMBIA if you do not want to be suspected of being a PIRATE or involved in a TERROR PLOT.  If you travel in these countries, be aware that the CONULAR may not be able to AID you, especially if these countries continue to act in defiance of the UNITED NATIONS.

11.)  Speaking of terrorists, don’t speak of terrorists.

12.)  TERROR ATTACKS are also on the list of unmentionables.
Anything relating to such events should be stricken from your vocabulary.  IEDs, CAR BOMBS, SUICIDE ATTACKS, ASSASSINATIONS and other VIOLENCE could make the HOMELAND DEFENSE folks think that you are a HOME GROWN TERRORIST, sitting at home making PIPE BOMBS and EXPLOSIVES out of AMMONIUM NITRATE to add to your WEAPONS CACHE.  ENVIRONMENTAL/ECO TERRORISTS are also TARGETS for the AGENTS’ investigations. FUNDAMENTALIST Christians who own CONVENTIONAL WEAPONS are closely WATCHED, especially if they participate in DRILLS or TRAINING EXERCISES. This is in order to prevent DEATHS from occurring from MILITIA SHOOTINGS.

13.)  Don’t talk about BOMBS.
Especially DIRTY BOMBS that contain RADIOACTIVE materials.  These can cause severe CHEMICAL BURNS and RADIATION POISONING.

14.)  No Nukes!
NUCLEAR WEAPONS and ingredients like ENRICHED WEAPONS GRADE uranium shouldn’t be discussed.  Descriptions of NUCLEAR THREATS like PLUMES and CLOUDS or anything regarding RADIATION LEAKS from NUCLEAR FACILITIES will catch the attention of the DOMESTIC NUCLEAR DETECTION OFFICE.

15.)  If you happen to be near a NATIONAL LABORATORY, keep it to yourself.
There is always the risk for EMERGENCIES when you are near a FACILITY that stores and uses HAZARDOUS MATERIALS.  An INCIDENT like an INDUSTRIAL CHEMICAL SPILL could require a massive EVACUATION.  These DANGEROUS SPILLOVERS generally come without WARNING, and fall under the auspices of the NATIONAL BIOSURVELLANCE INTEGRATION CENTER. The AGRICULTURE industry, particularly companies that have TOXIC AGRO practices, are also at high risk for CHEMICAL FIRES.

16.)  A sure way to catch the attention of the FUSION CENTER is to discuss the COMPUTER INFRASTRUCTURE.
If you want to be suspected as a HACKER or other THREAT to CYBER SECURITY, you need only to discuss VIRUSES and MALWARE, such as TROJANS, KEYLOGGERS, CONFICKER or other WORMS.  Other CYBER ATTACK topics to avoid are techniques such as PHREAKING, BRUTE FORCING, SPAMMING, SCAMMING and PHISHING.  It should not matter that they wreak CYBER TERROR on us with MYSQL INJECTIONS, DDOS ATTACKS, secret ROOTKIT and BOTNET installations and hacking our passwords via CAIN AND ABEL.  We should deal with this DENIAL OF SERVICE and understand that it is a matter of NATIONAL SECURITY. Heaven forbid you should be a member of 2600 – trust me, CYBER COMMAND will come after you.

17.)  Do not mention ELECTRIC POWER OUTAGES.
Whether it is a BLACKOUT or a BROWNOUT, just stay tuned to your EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM for instructions.  Our POWER LINES are vulnerable to BURSTS of SOLAR ENERGY, as well as CYBER ATTACKS against the GRID. All of the SMART POWER features that have been intertwined with our NATIONAL INFRASTRUCTURE put TELECOMMUNICATIONS and indeed the entire COMMUNICATIONS INFRASTRUCTURE at extreme risk of FAILURE. One of the responsibilities of the NATIONAL OPERATIONS CENTER is INFRASTRUCTURE SECURITY and the OFFICERS will strive to prevent complete ELECTRICAL COLLAPSE.

18.)  Discussion of SUBWAYS, TRAINS and other modes of TRANSPORTATION will attract notice from those looking out for the CRITICAL TRANSPORTATION INFRASTRUCTURE and KEY RESOURCES.
Mentions of the public transit systems in METRO areas, like WMATA, BART and MARTA, as well as AMTRAK, will be SCREENED by TRANSPORTATION AUTHORITIES to MITIGATE the RISK of TERROR ATTACKS and HOSTAGE situations. BREACHES in security at these locations will cause LOCKDOWNS, DELAYS or even CANCELLATIONS of scheduled routes in RESPONSE to potential threats. Remember that HIGHWAY and BRIDGE CLOSURES are for your own good and do not need to be bandied about the internet.

19.)  AIRPORT security is there for your protection.
Don’t complain about inconvenience when the TSA asks you to go through their naked BODY SCANNERS.  They and the FEDERAL AIR MARSHALLS want to be sure that before you get on an AIRPLANE you will not cause the AIRCRAFT to CRASH or require an EMERGENCY LANDING because of an opened bottle of apple juice in your carry-on bag.  Uncooperative travelers can cause DELAYS or CANCELLATIONS of flights, leaving others STRANDED at the AIRPORT.  The FAA is also constantly striving towards the PREVENTION of TERRORIST ACTIONS

20.) MARITIME DOMAIN AWARENESS is also off-limits.
Discussing any PORT, but PORT AUTHORITY in particular, will bring you to the attention of the COAST GUARD and other AGENCIES involved in NATIONAL PREPAREDNESS.  Also avoid any topic relating to the large naval base in SAN DIEGO.

21.)  If you have any sense of NATIONALISM, you will understand that the NATIONAL PREPAREDNESS INITIATIVE is there for your own benefit, and not to be criticized.
Some EXTREMISTS try to use the INITIATIVE as propaganda for the RECRUITMENT into their organizations by suggesting it is legalized LOOTING in the name of RELIEF.  Our national economic RECOVERY will take much longer if our forces must deal with RIOTS, GUNFIGHTS, and other forms of resistance to their efforts to secure provisions.

Note to readers:  
Help do your part to keep the FUSION CENTERS in business!  Contribute to employment rates and the economic RECOVERY by emailing this post in full to all of your friends, so that they too, know all 377 words to avoid using in internet correspondence.  


  1. Bwhahahahahaha Oh God I love it lol

  2. Ha, ha, ha! Great idea and tactic, Daisy!